Question Number: 14155

Character, Attitude and Control 10/16/2006

RE: rec Under 11

Jennifer of amherst, oh usa asks...

This question is a follow up to question 14121

To elaborate on the story...my husband gets excited to see my daughter play and is actually a coach himself. He does not however coach her team. The coaches on my daughters team have thanked him after prior games for support and passion for the sport, etc... This particular game he was cheering on the side lines and yes this is my daughter's first year playing soccer, but my husband and I have played soccer on/off through our lives. He was yelling out things like, "play your side, help Erin out, be aggresive..." things of that nature. Yes, he was yelling it, but so were many other father's on the other side of the field.
Well, at half time the ref came and asked my husband to tone it down a bit and not to coach just to cheer and my husband said, "roger that" since he is in the military that is normal wording for him for "okay, I gotcha" Well, the ref went on to say you are just over the top and these are 10 year old girls and you just need to chill out... Well, I turned to my Dad at least 10 to 12 feet away and said "all it sounded like WAS cheering to me." Well, the ref said "And you better tell your wife to shut up and quit contradicting me." Well, of course my husband was thrown for quite a loop and was not very happy and told the ref, "I heard what you said about cheering ref and I'd appreciate it if you'd not speak to my wife that way." Well, the ref then told my husband that he had to leave the field and he was not able to finish watching the game that day. We have been watching and playing sports for many years and nothing like this has ever happened to us. We were not bad mouthing the ref at any point of any game, so that was not an issue of this scenario at all. This entire occurrence was very disappointing. After the game my husband talked to my daughter's coaches and then tried to talk to the ref and let him know that he understands not to cheer and definitely not sound like coaching during games, because obviously we will be seeing him over and over again for the rest of the season and also next year, but the ref told him to get away from him and that he doesn't want anything to do with him.
Later that day, we saw the head ref and he told us that the ref told him my husband came on the field during game play and harrassed him, which was a total lie. We have witnesses to prove that. The coaches of my daughter's team are 19 y.o. girls and are intimidated by both of these refs. They have gone to their league rep., but all I guess I'm trying to get out of this is a way to continue enjoying this event because I have enjoyed this my entire life and I'm not kidding when I tell you, the refs make the feeling of the field like you're walking on egg shells. Our coaches are afraid to ask why a call was made. The head ref during this last game got hit with the ball at least 7 times during game play, now come on...and he made terrible call and carded players for unknown reasons....We are in the military and will only be stationed here for 1 more year, but the people here have the attitude like, well, he's the head ref of all soccer and basketball and he's very tight with the other ref, so we just try to not stir anything worse up because he's not going anywhere. This is just ridiculous. Arrogance gets you no where.

Answer provided by Referee Chuck Fleischer

It would have been better to send this explanation of the events in the first place.

Your husband was told by the referee to tone it down. He said I understand! That usually ends discussion, does it not? He probably would not have continued in the way he was. So, there it is a fire out but smouldering a bit.

Now someone else steps up and throws a little JP in the embers and the referee comes all unpuckered and makes an unneeded comment.

I'm not defending anyone here, but the matter was over until someone else wanted to help out. Was that needed?

Regards,

Answer provided by Referee Keith Contarino

If things are as you say, I have to say this referee was way offbase. He said "tell your wife to shut up"? I hope you're kidding me. Your husband has the right to yell his head off even if he is coaching as long as he's not yelling at any of the referees, is not speaking in a degrading manner and is not cursing. It's no business of the referee if a parent decides to coach. COACHES must remain in their technical area and if I hear a lot of coaching from the parent's side I will ask a coach if that's a parent or a coach because if it's a coach, they have to leave. My god, if I tried to expel every parent at every game I do for coaching, there'd be no one left! This referee had no right or authority to tell your husband to leave. Yes, had your husband refused, the referee could have refused to start the game, but he shouldn't have been talking to you folks in the first place. Had he followed procedure of going to the coach who is responsible for the behavior of his parents in every State Youth Soccer Association I know, this unpleasant incident could have been avoided. You have a problem with a parent. You tell the coach to handle it. Sounds from what you describe that your husband was more than willing to tone it down and why this referee chose to elevate an already heated situation, one that he had "won", is beyond me. I don't think going to the "head referee" is a good idea. I don't even know what a head referee is. I'd approach the referee assignor and at least one Board member. You have to see this referee again so in the future, bear in mind that he doesn't tolerate much so keep it toned down and try to enjoy the game.