Question Number: 19612

Character, Attitude and Control 7/15/2008

RE: rec Under 9

mary of stockton, ca united states asks...

after the game i told my kids we won even if the referee was on there side. the referee got on the coaches face and told him dont give me that bullshit

Answer provided by Referee Keith Contarino

Well Mary, let's deal with what we know to be true. We know that you told a bunch of 8 year old kids that the referee was a cheat. We also know that you are not an unbiased observer of your child's soccer game and that any close call going against your team you are going to view as wrong. Your telling these kids that the referee was a cheat is reprehensible and it is parents like you that make this game less and less fun every year. Now let's look at some things we probably know. Given that this is U9 and rec to boot, it's probable you know little or nothing about the Laws of soccer. It's also probable your coach and players don't know very much more than nothing concerning the Laws and it's also probable you had an inexperienced referee due to the low skill level of the game in question.
We only have your word that the referee said what you say he did. If the referee cursed at your coach he should be accountable. If the referee said what you say he did, the referee must have been extremely agitated. I won't excuse his/her language but given the FACT that you think he was a cheat, it's probable he had been screamed at by you, your fellow parents, and your coach and had probably become tired of it and became exasperated. That's no excuse for cursing your coach especially loudly enough for children to hear it but I'd certainly like to hear what the referee has to say concerning this. All that said, if you believe the referee said bullshit to the coach and was around small children at the time, you should write and call your league's referee assignor and the league's board of directors. While I can sympathize with any youth soccer referee being harassed by parents and coaches, there are better ways to deal with this than cursing the coach of a U9 rec level team.

Answer provided by Referee Chuck Fleischer

You might want to think really hard about what Ref Contarino wrote. He has wisdom you don't seem to possess. I wonder very much about a parent telling a child he won when the score line clearly indicates that is not true. I also wonder why it seems so important to you that your child won, isn't it better he played well and had fun? Goodness sakes this is just a game and games are supposed to be for the participants, especially at this level. The kids should not be at all concerned with anything but the joy of their play. You should never try to teach them that any authority figure is to be scorned because if they learn that then the next step is a gang. If it is necessary for you to have them win then you must learn the game and how to coach better than their existing coach. Then take his place and teach them what you know about The Game and how it's played. Take some responsibility instead of laying blame on the match official.

Answer provided by Referee Gary Voshol

I don't know how many times I've called a foul and then heard, 'You didn't do anything wrong.' Uhh, yes mom, she did, that's why I blew the whistle. Notice that I didn't say that out loud, but I sure wanted to.

I was also told by an AR, another adult who is also a select team coach, that he was surprised by the amount of guff I let a coach give out. And then the coach sent a note to his league president, and the president wrote me up - without knowing who I was or what I had done in the game.

People see what they want to see, usually to the benefit of their team. The referee is unbiased - it's rare that I'd even care who won the game, even if I do know some of the players or their parents.

One time I was jokingly asked, as the coach paid my game fee, how much extra it would be to throw a few calls their way. I immediately came back with a rejoinder, 'Oh, I couldn't do that, you're the Dragons.' (They really had a poor reputation and Win/Loss record.) But later I thought, yeah, if I tried to cheat and fix games they'd suspend me. Since I do 60-80 youth games per year, if you want to pay me 60 or 80 game fees, I'd come out about even. I don't think a call one way or another is worth that much to a team.

Answer provided by Referee Richard Dawson

A parent's job is to love their kids and teach them in theory the wisdom of their experiences. It is sad at times to note those experiences are filled with much pain and misconception about the world and our place in it. Soccer is a simple game supposedly played for fun but the spirit of competition and the need for results require a NEUTRAL official to intercede in disputes.

Referees are rarely on anyone's side. If a NEUTRAL referee has no integrity then as a character failing he or she will have to answer for it. Immature or outright rude behavior is nothing to be proud of but the level of self confidence or the boiling point of anger in an individual can be unlocked quickly depending on when and where and who says what?

I have found words to inflict anger or irrational responses can do at least as much damage as a threat or action of violence. Tit for tat you smack me I will smack you action is an unfortunate byproduct of human evolution. Sometimes it is tres difficult to simply record and report then get nose to nose with an irritant or step away from conflict and not confuse wisdom with cowardice

Kids are kids and generally the adults are supposed to set the examples for kids to emulate. While some adults do this better than others no one is perfect and perception can make truth like an onion, where we peel away different parts of it to expose it all and it can make us cry.

To TELL a child that another adult has conspired against him benefits the child how? To be distrustful of referees because they abuse their power? To seek or look for actions to confirm that hypothesis in the next match?

I have refereed thousands of matches at various communities and ages and skill levels. A referee with integrity sees what he sees even if others see it different. Referees as people are at different levels on the experience scale. The level of fitness, the skill sets, understanding the concepts of angle of view or good procedures or mechanics take time. Working effectively with other officials, the ARs for example, even at the elite level of this game they are capable of mistakes and errors that video replay will dramatically point out.

To BLAME referees for a result is in my opinion a low point in human interaction. You might as well blame all the team-mates for missing their shots or failing to defend against the shots of the opponents. Do you ever tell your son it was his fault for not playing hard enough or smart enough or trying enough? Why does that seem so cruel yet perfectly fine to dump those conditions elsewhere like at an official?

A referee is a match condition that you adapt and play. We are all at various levels of proficiency and have good or bad days. As a NEUTRAL official one can hope if he errors he is just as likely to error the same for both sides. If you perceive bias's in how we respond as panel members think on the fact the very things you accuse this referee we ourselves have likely been yelled at for similar things. We all agree the referee in talking to others can not conduct himself in the same fashion we deplore when adults parents or coaches go off on the touchlines.

In a game where victory is decided by the number of balls that pass under the crossbar and between the posts and you want your child to feel like a winner teach them to do that better than their opponents!
Cheers

The following questions were asked as a follow up to the above question...

See Question: 19950