Question Number: 20914

Law 5 - The Referee 3/1/2009

RE: select Under 13

Megan of Douglasville, ga usa asks...

i am a new referee and i am wondering how do you deal with parents? what do you do when you are really frustrated and want to go over and scream and yell and scream and just kill them?

How do you deal with that?

Answer provided by Referee Keith Contarino

Hi Megan. Welcome to our site and our profession. I've refereed the Sugar and Spice Tournament in Douglasville on many occasions. I can tell you that your parents are no different than the ones anywhere else I've refereed in Georgia. You have to remember that parents by and large are totally ignorant of the LOTG and have been brought up on American football, baseball, and basketball where it is accepted that the referee crew may be screamed and yelled at by parents and coaches alike. Parents also are completely biased and will see any close call going against their team as a bad call. Over time you will learn to ignore most of what they say. You should NOT tolerate any cursing or threatening language to either you or your assistant referees. Nor should you tolerate any parental behavior that affects the players. If a parent crosses the line and you want to have that parent leave, do NOT make the mistake of engaging the parent directly. In Georgia, the parents are the coaches responsibility. If you want a parent dealt with, you go to the coach and tell him that you are not restarting the game until the parent is gone and give the coach a time limit. Mine is 5 minutes. GYSA will absolutely support you. No one at the State level wants bad behavior from parents or coaches and will not tolerate it. All that said, just learn to ignore most of what they say. I find myself chuckling listening to some of the ridiculous things that come out of parent's mouths. As you gain experience you'll find that you'll be able to not only ignore them but will be able to interact with them in a friendly or humorous manner which can diffuse an ugly situation. I remember telling one irate parent "I'm blind not deaf! You don't have to yell." Don't ever engage them during the game. The worst thing you can do is argue or yell back. trust me, that will make matters worse. If a parent approaches you at the half or after the game, tell them you'll be happy to discuss anything with them as long as they are polite and respectful. If they are not, walk away or find another referee or League official. I have found it of benefit to ask an angry parent to explain to me whatever rule it is they think was broken and I misinterpreted. I let them speak and then correct them or explain why I did what I did. Don't let parents ruin this for you. We lose 44% of our referees every year and it's mainly due to coaches and parents. Concentrate on the players and the game in progress.

Answer provided by Referee Richard Dawson

Those who hurl abuse tend to get the glares and looks but courage to actually do something is sadly lacking in the public arena.
We have all been irritated at those who yell from the touchlines. Some do it just to bug you, others because no one stops them from doing so and some because they are excited or upset at what they see and exercise free speech.
It is easy to say it's not personal, but far too often they cross that line and the real issue then is there is NO accountability.

A league that has no methodology of monitoring, training and tracking matches is one doomed to a 75% loss of new officials each year.

Life offers us many choices and it is as simple as what one chooses to do.
Right or wrong, people act according to the way they can and if there are no repercussions or punishment those who choose to act ignorantly, either they get off on being a pain or are prepared to live with the disapproving looks, like they give a rats ass!
Many youth leagues have altered card policy and say it is permitted for coaches and parents to be shown the red card by the officials and expelled from the match similar as a sent off player. It is understandable that we want to deal effectively with the adults or peers harassing a young or new or any official who is in charge of the match.

Public censure is not good enough because people generally abhor confrontation. If someone actually has the cojones to decide to step up take action the idiot becomes belligerent with you personally, leaving you in a gut churning turmoil of rage and indecision. Should I put my fist in their mouth or my foot up their butt?

That could be the worst of being irritated, if you assume that same mantle of idiocy confronting an idiot because it does have a desultory effect on our heart and minds to engage such a pathetic piece of gods creation.

How to maintain dignity and self respect in the face of the needless mind numbing adversity of the loudmouth?

Work for a league that has POLICY and by laws that are enforced when those self appointed abusers in attendance decide they can ruin it for those around them. A No abuse policy that COACHES, PARENTS, PLAYERS, REFEREES sign on to as codes of conduct! A real meat and potatoes aspect to effective sanctions! REWARDS for sporting behavior and good conduct. We so often fixate on the few boneheads we forget the good things many people bring to the game.
Those in attendance must stand up for the official if the match is being adversely affected. Coaches must put aside their resentment of calls not going their way this day and support the officials in that the welfare of the kids must come first. Parents must peer pressure the other parents and the youth must challenge their parents to love and suport them not act out and embarass them.

As a referee you will learn you can ignore some things, interject humor, admit the occasional mistake, grit your teeth and strive to do better if you might have missed something.
It is important to grasp that no one can effectively referee without a backbone. A referee must possess a sense of integrity and confidence that we have faith in our abilities and character to do the very best we can each and every time we step onto the field.

A referee must act to defend the match and the safety of the participants be it the players or the ARs from intimidation and physical harm. Learn the laws and follow the proceedures to deal with the inconsiderate and nasty people who threaten the welfare of those under your care!

It is important for you to train and show effort. Understand the laws of the game! Recognize what is fair and foul. Pay attention, see and understand things you see, do not just look at things and wonder.
Respect for an official position as the referee is a limited amount, it is in the character of the referee where it is earned. A referee who works at their proffession can earn a greater degree of respect from those watching and quell the critics with solid performances.
SELF RESPECT is the gift you give yourself. It can NEVER be taken only given away.

Dissent is not always abuse if it translates into you being aware of the game when you understand those who spout off have a view of a match that you as an neutral official can NOT have! You can not care about a result. Victory is not a score line for the official but a match where the players come though safe

Yes referees make mistakes, lack skills or have a limited mind set that can create tension and irritate those watching and playing. No one is perfect yet the official is expected to catch ALL the bad stuff no matter their age or skill sets or experience. The nature of competition and wanting a result create passions and expectations that are at times debilitating to the self control of individuals if they believe their desires are not being met. To those that think it is ok to rail at the official, unless you paid a lot of money for stadium seating at the World Cup my advice is shut up and get a life or better yet try and understand just how miserable you make other lives by the way you live yours!!
Cheers

Answer provided by Referee Gary Voshol

First off, prepare yourself. Make sure you know the Laws and any local rule modifications inside and out. When you 100% know that you are making the correct calls, it's a lot easier to filter out the noise from the sidelines. Eventually you will be able to grin to yourself at some of the inane remarks you hear.

You need to take action against parents if they are being offensive, insulting or abusive to you or to players. Any other remarks, including comments on the calls you are making, may be ignored up until the time they start to affect the players. If you feel that the players are starting to react to the comments, you need to have them stopped. At a stoppage, talk to the coach and inform him that either the comments must stop or the parent(s) making them must go. Then don't back down. (If it is necessary to stop the game to have this conversation, the restart is a dropped ball.)

The header of your question indicates U13. I'm not sure if that's the age group you are reffing or if that's your age. Either way, as a young person you can't let yourself be intimidated by the adults at the game, parents or coaches. The relationship here between ref and the others is opposite to what you are used to in the rest of your life. There, the adults usually have the authority over the youths, and they are supposed to use that authority wisely. Here, you are given authority over adults who often act like petulant children. Just like parents sometimes feel like screaming at their children, you feel like screaming at the people acting like jerks. You have to learn to control your feelings and act professionally.

I suggest you go to a game and see what an adult referee puts up with. Or maybe note what happens at games where you might be playing. Hopefully not too much is allowed. You can take your cue for what should be allowed in your games from those examples.

Reffing is a tough job and not for everyone. But keep with it for a while, because you can't tell what will happen once you get a little more experience and self-confidence. Best of luck as you advance in learning the craft of refereeing.

Answer provided by Referee Michelle Maloney

Imagine what they would look like if you could hit the 'Mute' button. Yep, big, red-faced, open-mouthed, crazy-eyed semi-humans. Hold that picture until you have to laugh, and it reduces the pressure (most of the time). Earplugs can come in handy...

It is always hard for me to understand why parents think it is acceptable to scream and yell at someone else's child, when if it were their own kid being screamed at, they would be highly offended.

There are quite a few things you can do to help yourself. One, always be professional - be on time, dress smartly, with a clean, well fitting uniform, clean shoes, socks that are pulled up and a badge that is on straight. Carry your head high and your shoulders back. Look people in the eye when you talk to them. Practice enforcing the Laws and how to apply them so your judgment on calls gets better every game.

If you know in your heart that you are doing the best job you can possibly do today, and you are still hearing comments from the great unwashed on the touchlines, you'll know it is just so much hot air. Let it escape unnoticed.

As my colleagues have noted, when you must get involved (not by screaming at them) is when the coaches/fans are becoming abusive and/or are affecting the game negatively. If the players are ignoring them (kids are pretty good at ignoring loud parents) so should you, unless the comments are insulting or abusive toward you. In any case, getting involved means going to the coach (be sure to be at least arm's length away) and saying in a voice both coaches can hear that the game is stopped (remember to blow the whistle before going over to have this conversation) and will not restart until such time as the problem, which you will define as parent or coach interference or not behaving in a responsible manner is taken care of by the coach.
Give them a time limit, 2-5 minutes, during which time you and your ARs wait in the middle of the field for the coach to perform his/her duties. If it is not done, the game is over, and report it to the assignor, and the league and be prepared to give details/facts.

This next suggestion is imperative. You must PRACTICE doing this! Work with your parents or trusted teachers or coaches. Have them role play and then give you feedback on how you are coming across and what if anything you can do to improve. It all comes down to you being the one who must make the hard decisions - that's why we get paid the big bucks! Yeah, I know...

Check with your referee assignor, and see if there are any referee mentors who can be of some service.

Good luck, sweetheart. It's tough out there, but you're a referee! The skills you learn will serve you well throughout the rest of your life. Thanks for writing - check back with us.

The following questions were asked as a follow up to the above question...

See Question: 20937