Question Number: 15969

Character, Attitude and Control 7/7/2007

RE: Competitive Under 17

Bryan of Naperville, IL usa asks...

how should a player handle being threatened by an opposing player, coach, or parent?

Answer provided by Referee Richard Dawson

Hi Bryan,
One could hope the referee in earshot would note the activity and respond with affirmative action if it was easily recognized as such. The problem is harassment and intimidation often is couched as subtle and mean spirited out of the light of review. One can always record and report the action to the authorities be they league, referee,coach, parents etc... or even police figures.

Generally people are unlikely to stick their noses into other peoples business unless the event is of a crippling or extreme nature like a physical beating. Confrontation just makes for ugly vindictive emotions to be passed all around and it scares people away. They will comment and shake their heads but few do anything truly constructive. They will how ever condescendingly point fingers at those who seek help as if they were to blame.

League policy should be FIRM and precise in dealing with any abuse by anyone in the league. I believe in codes of conduct signed sealed and delivered by all at season start clearly outlining what is expected as proper conduct and if not how such things are dealt with.

In my opinion the game is meant to be fun and played with heart and soul! The soul suckers who suck the enjoyment out of the game are among the most useless of individuals! Often bitter and disgusted with their own lives they fester and make others they come into contact with miserable.

Character is a molding of heart mind and soul as each of us try to figure out the truth of what is right and what is wrong and if anything we can do about it! How truly good is a good man if he does nothing to prevent injustice?

Motives and reasons why people choose to act a certain way are debated in the circles of psychiatry. On the pitch a referee with backbone needs to step up when he sees the pain of the player is too great to be ignored!

You are not my son but I say to you as I do to them treat others as you wish to be treated, stand firm with conviction and take strength in the right to choose your path no matter how hard it might seem. You can be compassionate and reasonable in the face of those unreasoned or vile but you can not be weak or step aside because of the fear. You can forgive but you must not forget that freedom to choose is God's gift to us all! It has a price and is paid by those who cherish it for themselves, their family and for the world by word and deed not silence or inaction!

If those in your face are setting an example that you know is false look them in the eye and ask why? Then forgive them and pass on by! Do not accept abuse but neither deal it back for it taints, fix the problem by letting those who have one that you will not allow yourself to be treated less then you deserve.

On the pitch the sneaky opponent while rile you and as referee I will see you retaliate and be forced to act knowing that I likely failed you but unable to do anything about it!

A coach and a parent are to be respected for the positions they hold in our lives but as in all things respect is earned for the person each of us are. If your coach and your parent are the culprits the shame they bear is even greater than if the opposing coach or other parents are the ones responsible.

With a player you are competitive, with a coach you can admire and appreciate the effort of opportunity, with your parents you love unconditionally, with other adults you can offer respect for their life as mentors in life. There will be times when you must stand and face down your detractors and when you can laugh and look away knowing that many are not deserving of your attention let alone emotions. Only you will know when and what to do and whether the consequences are worth the effort.
Cheers

Answer provided by Referee Keith Contarino

Assuming the referee does NOT hear any of this, the player should immediately tell his coach. Don't respond in kind but an authority figure should know about it asap.

Answer provided by Referee Ben Mueller

I would tell the coach and the coach should file a report to the league about the issue. I would even involve the police if it was a physical or other violent type of threat.

The following questions were asked as a follow up to the above question...

See Question: 16032